this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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