I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
