Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
