drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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