god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You are a genius and a whore.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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