Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
