Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
