i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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