It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
