Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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