I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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