Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
