At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
