You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
