i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just gargled with NyQuil
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