Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
