if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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