Small penises have feelings too.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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