I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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