I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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