Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
