A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
