Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
