Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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