I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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