i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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