apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
