he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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