I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
