Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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