yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
