Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
