I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
