Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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