Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
