i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Buhtt sex?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
