I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
