I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
