just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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