When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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