So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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