the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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