WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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