So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
