I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
