Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
