pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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