party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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