Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
