i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
