70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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