But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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