four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
