GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
