there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
