call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
